PROSECUTOR: "Did you kill the victim?"

DEFENDANT: "No Sir, I did not."

PROSECUTOR: "Are you aware of the penalty if you are found guilty of perjury?"

DEFENDANT: "Yes Sir, I am - and it's alot less than the penalty for murder!"

For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken literally.....



'Circumcised'

(this is priceless!)


A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around scratching his crotch and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

“No,” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started....

A Pile of Sand.



At the local construction site the Foreman had just hired an Italian, a
Scotsman and a Chinese man.

The Foreman takes them to a huge pile of sand in the yard.

He says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping."

He tells the Scotsman, "You're in charge of shovelling."

And the Chinese is told, "You're in charge of supplies."

The Foreman then tells them all, "I have to leave for a little while, and

when I return I expect that pile of sand to be cleared."

When the Foreman returns after a couple of hours, he finds that the sand

is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of the sand?"

The Italian replies, I hava no broom. You tolda the Chinaman that he wasa

ina charge ofa the supplies, but he hassa disappeared and I couldna find

im anywhere's."

Then the Foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I

told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did ladie, boot ah could nae get

meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese man in charge of supplies, boot ah could na

fin' im neither."

By now the Foreman is really angry. He storms off to find the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and

yells, "SUPPLIES!!!!"

NIGHT OUT

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very
faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on
Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee,
So they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her
undies and use them.
Her friend however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of undies that
she did not want to ruin, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a
Grave that had a wreath with a big ribbon on it, so she proceeded to use
the ribbon. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet
and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
husband and said, 'These damn girls' night outs have got to stop. I'm
Starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no undies!'
'You think that's bad' said the other husband, 'Mine is lying in bed with
a card stuck in her ass that says: 'From all of us at the Fire Station -
We'll never forget you.'

GOOD FENCES -GOOD NEIGHBORS MAKE?

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags ripped, and every once in a while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling
out of your bag.'
'Oh, really? Darn it!' said the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.'
'Well, now, not so fast,' said the cop. 'Where did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?'
'Oh, no, no', said the old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football
stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my garden pruners. Every
time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' '
'Well, that seems only fair, ' said the cop, laughing. 'OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'
'Well, you know', said the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.


The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!

2008's First Christmas Joke


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......